Monday, December 13, 2010

Show me how to die

Wait...what? (cue record scratching screech) Show me how to die? No, I don't mean a physical death, but rather a spiritual death of self. That can only happen when I move out of my way long enough to let God take the lead. He's ready and willing and waiting patiently - I'm the one with control issues.

This is something that he has been dealing with me on for a long time. I know it will continue to be a struggle throughout my life as it is for every Christian, but I would rather run this race with more of Him in the lead than me.

When I try to control things, it never ends up very good. And I know that is going to be the case every single time, but I still continue to jump in and mess things up. You'd think I would have learned by now! I know the plans he has for me are way better than anything I could imagine for myself, but I really do have a hard time letting go and letting God take the lead.

At the start of the school year, I had all these ideas in my head of what I wanted to do as far as school was concerned, of what I wanted to be involved in, what I wanted the kids involved in. I started out going strong with Him in the lead, but somewhere along the way, I moved back into 1st place and got on the wrong path all-together.

When my mom's cancer went to the next level a few months ago and she started requiring more one on one care, I think that is when more of me started to take over. I thought I could still do this and this and that, AND take care of my mom, AND take over my brother's schooling, AND do everything else in-between. I've had to let go of everything I wanted and focus on what God wanted. And believe me, I put up quite a fight (and still continue to do so).

God is showing me that sometimes it is the most basic and simplest of things He wants me to focus on. There will be a time and place for some of those other things, but that time is not now.

God is showing me that I need to stop giving Him my left-overs. If I start out giving Him the 1st part of my day and I end up having to cut something out at the end of the won't be Him. Who really looks forward to left-overs anyway? 

God is showing me that deviations do not have to equal disaster. That no matter what road-block is placed in my path, he'll lead me around it, over it , or crashing straight through it, but He'll be by my side every step of the way.

God is showing me how to die...

The title of this post came from a beautiful song titled "Show Me" By Audrey Assad. Here is a piece of that song along with a link to hear it for yourself...Believe me, it is beautiful!
"Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life. But not before you show me how to die. God, not before you show me how to die."

You might also want to check out this blog. The post on 11/30/10 titled "Decreasing" has really been an inspiration to me. And I look forward to reading more of her thoughts on this.

Live, Learn, & Love Together


  1. I love your heart, Pauline! Thanks so much for the talk the other day ... I hope we can chat again soon. I am still struggling/wrestling/praying/crying/etc. I still don't even feel like I can put my thoughts down on paper yet. I have so many fragmented pieces swirling around in my head! I just want more of HIM ... whatever that means. "Who really looks forward to left-overs anyway?" - love this thought! I am so guilty of giving Him my leftovers and also giving out of my abundance. Isn't it easy to rationalize ourselves out of giving it all? I look with anticipation at what He has in store ... I pray we embrace it with all that we are and have! Love you!

  2. P.S. LOVED the song, too! ;)

    Thanks for sharing!


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