My Mother's Legacy...

My mom passed away on Tuesday, December 21, 2010. She passed away peacefully from this world and straight into the arms of Jesus. She was surrounded by her entire family. The room was filled with singing, prayer, tears, and joy. I know our 'going away' celebration could NEVER match that of her 'homecoming' celebration, but I am so thankful to God that he allowed each person to be there by her side as she passed on to her forever life with the King of Kings.

It's really hard to think of her not being here anymore. Every picture of her seems to stare straight into my heart. When someone you really care about is gone, you start to think about all the things you should have done, the things you should have said (or not said), the extra time you should have spent with that person through the years...just everything. To be honest, I've never lost anyone who was as close to my heart as my mom was.  I mean, I've lost grandparents, other relatives, and even friends in the past, but I was either too young at the time to fully understand what was going on or I was not as close to them as I was with my mom.

I miss all those things that used to get on my nerves: the lecturing phone calls, the unwanted advice, the arguments... And, of course, I miss all the nicer things too. My mother was truly the strongest person I had ever known. Her steadfast faith in Jesus Christ still continues to amaze me. Her church, C Baptist, created a a short 6-7 minute video of her and her testimony for a special they did in their church back in May of this year. It was played at her funeral. I still can't watch it without tears coming to my eyes and that will probably always be the case. If you have not watched it yet, please take the time to do so.

In the months before she passed away, she spoke to me a lot about the Holy Spirit. She told me the Holy Spirit was her comfort, her guide, her advisor, her helper, her strength... I have so much more to say about this topic, but I will save that for a future blog once I can collect my thoughts together.

On a side note - I am so far behind in our home school blog postings. I will catch up...one day.

Show me how to die

Wait...what? (cue record scratching screech) Show me how to die? No, I don't mean a physical death, but rather a spiritual death of self. That can only happen when I move out of my way long enough to let God take the lead. He's ready and willing and waiting patiently - I'm the one with control issues.

This is something that he has been dealing with me on for a long time. I know it will continue to be a struggle throughout my life as it is for every Christian, but I would rather run this race with more of Him in the lead than me.

When I try to control things, it never ends up very good. And I know that is going to be the case every single time, but I still continue to jump in and mess things up. You'd think I would have learned by now! I know the plans he has for me are way better than anything I could imagine for myself, but I really do have a hard time letting go and letting God take the lead.

At the start of the school year, I had all these ideas in my head of what I wanted to do as far as school was concerned, of what I wanted to be involved in, what I wanted the kids involved in. I started out going strong with Him in the lead, but somewhere along the way, I moved back into 1st place and got on the wrong path all-together.

When my mom's cancer went to the next level a few months ago and she started requiring more one on one care, I think that is when more of me started to take over. I thought I could still do this and this and that, AND take care of my mom, AND take over my brother's schooling, AND do everything else in-between. I've had to let go of everything I wanted and focus on what God wanted. And believe me, I put up quite a fight (and still continue to do so).

God is showing me that sometimes it is the most basic and simplest of things He wants me to focus on. There will be a time and place for some of those other things, but that time is not now.

God is showing me that I need to stop giving Him my left-overs. If I start out giving Him the 1st part of my day and I end up having to cut something out at the end of the day...it won't be Him. Who really looks forward to left-overs anyway? 

God is showing me that deviations do not have to equal disaster. That no matter what road-block is placed in my path, he'll lead me around it, over it , or crashing straight through it, but He'll be by my side every step of the way.


God is showing me how to die...

The title of this post came from a beautiful song titled "Show Me" By Audrey Assad. Here is a piece of that song along with a link to hear it for yourself...Believe me, it is beautiful!

"Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life. But not before you show me how to die. God, not before you show me how to die."

You might also want to check out this blog. The post on 11/30/10 titled "Decreasing" has really been an inspiration to me. And I look forward to reading more of her thoughts on this.